YOU'RE DOING BETTER THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE

If there's one thing I can't stand it's those cryptic and attention seeking posts people put onto social media when they are feeling sorry for themselves. The ones that desperately cry out for engagement and sympathy yet don't actually reveal the reason for the rant or outburst in the first place. You then see a thread of bored people interacting with the post writing comments such as 'TEXT ME BABEZ' or the old classic 'U OK HUN?'. I find the whole thing annoying, silly and immature. If you so desperately want to air your dirty linen online or announce your personal problems to a public platform then a) don't but b) if you do then at least have the gung ho to name and shame and reveal what is actually going down. 

But then last week I posted a picture of a massive glass of wine on Instagram along with a hundred word rant about how thoroughly pissed off with life I felt. It wasn't cryptic in the slightest. I just wanted to vent.

Last week I was tired and annoyed.  My intentions to crack on with my writing are falling to the wayside because I am struggling to find the time. My flat is driving me crazy. It's in need of a good lick of paint and some TLC. Every time I look at the beading that needs properly fixed or the radiators that need properly painted I feel agitated and out of sync. On a Monday and Tuesday night Ava is with her Dad, so I come home and blog or write but then I chastise myself because I should be cleaning. The rest of the week our evenings go by in a blur - by the time we finish her dancing class or whizz around the supermarket to pick up dinner, get home, eat dinner, Ava has a bath, I spend some time with her, we read a story, put her to bed, etc it's so late that all I want to do is collapse on the sofa for an hour then hit bed. On a Saturday we spend the day making up for my uselessness during the week by doing fun stuff all day. I try and make a rule not to do anything boring on a Saturday as it's the one proper whole day we get to spend to ourselves. There was one Saturday I made the cavalier decision to try and make housework 'fun'. But I found watching Ava try and mop a kitchen floor (by pouring the entire contents of the bucket onto said floor) and using my expensive face wipes to 'dust' so stressful that I swore that would be our last venture into cleaning for a while.

I want to blog, work a full time job, expose my writing through other platforms, cook healthy and delicious meals, take nice photos instead of using crappy iPhone ones, read to Ava, read to myself, pamper (and by pamper I mean keep up with my bikini line & occasionally slap on a facemask), make times for friends, remember to Skype my Mum, make time for Ava so she doesn't grow up thinking that the iPad is an appropriate parenting tool, visit places that are educational instead of lazily opting for soft play, play games with my daughter, watch movies together on the sofa. I want to do all these things but sometimes I feel like I can't. I only have one child and she spends part of every week at her Dads - so what am I doing so wrong?

The answer is nothing. I'm doing nothing wrong and I'm probably doing better than I think. The truth is that none of us are holding it together all of the time. Sometimes life just gets over-whelming. Sometimes you just have crap days. Sometimes you have your period and it makes you angry because you are bloated and you cry at Coronation Street. Sometimes you keep standing on abandoned Shopkins and the floorboards are covered in dried up Cheerios. Some days you can't do anything right for your child and they have a hissy fit because you stirred their hot chocolate the wrong way or accidentally nipped them when you were trying to get them into their car seat. Sometimes you don't sleep because your body is tense and sometimes you don't cook because your body is tired. Sometimes you just feel a bit like you're failing.

But the next day you get up and you get on with it. Because sometimes you get a cuddle and I an 'I love you Mummy' as you wave them into nursery. Sometimes you get a chance to nip to the supermarket and suddenly you are cooking food that is actually good for you again. Sometimes you get the work done earlier than you thought and you get to go for a bubble bath. Sometimes you get the chance to go for a run or the time to treat yourself to a Costa. Sometimes you get the break you've been looking for and get to do a job you really want to do, even if it leaves little time for anything else. Sometimes it's ok not to have a perfect Instagram feed or perfectly painted fingernails. And sometimes it's ok to have a rant on social media if you just need to know that what you are feeling is normal. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you ever feel the way I felt last week then here's a heads up...

You're probably doing a lot better than you think you are.