How to get dumped the Dawnie way...

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I need to tell you a secret.

 I've been holding out on you guys for about 3 months now.

So here it is...

 A while ago Dawniepopsies got dumped. We really should forget all about the dumping thing for a second and concentrate on the fact that I just referred to myself as 'Dawniepopsies' but we can get back to that later.

So the details aren't important. The people, who, what, why - not the point. But in the spirit of all my previous 'How To' posts, I bring you:

How to get dumped the Dawnie way.

Do not under any circumstances go into 'dumped mode'. The circumstances don't matter. If you were the one that was 'dumped' then the automatic reflex reaction is to go into dumped mode. Do not (I repeat) go into dumped mode. I recall my sister staring at me over a cocktail two nights later watching as my face went a bit forlorn and my bottom lip started to quiver and shrieking loudly (as the whole bar turned to see what was going on) "DON'T DO THAT - DO NOT DO THAT - YOU ARE GOING INTO DUMPED MODE - GET OUT OF DUMPED MODE". And although I could have done without the whole bar knowing, she was right. Control is a powerful thing and it can make you act all kinds of pathetic when it is taken away from you. 

Don't lavish twenty quid on yourself to get a manicure. To hell with blowing £50 on some new highlights. Spend £100 on a psychic who spends most of the hour talking about herself.

In my case go out on the lash with your girlfriend and get chatted up by THE HOTTEST MAN WHO HAS EVER CHATTED YOU UP IN A BAR (no jokes). Spend the entire time asking his opinion on said dumping only for him and his mate to suddenly disappear for the night after saying they were 'going to the toilet'. Don't even bother to apologise when your mate looks at you with a mixture of pity & pure annoyance. 

Proceed to the nearest gay bar and dance the night away safe in the knowledge that no one else will try and chat you up. Burst into drunken tears in the taxi on the way home. Then fall asleep on your friend.

Unfollow them on all social media immediately. Only to refollow them on Twitter. Then unfollow them. Then block them. Then maybe give them a refollow...

Stay classy girls.

In all seriousness, if you really liked the guy, then try and focus on the positives that you got from the relationship. Whether it was a short or long term one. It's true that it wasn't a waste of time if you learned something. I found myself with a lot more confidence to put myself out there on that scary dating world as a single mum. I also gained the confidence to understand that if you let things go and think positively that even better things can be around the corner.

Now this is a big one: whatever you do always pretend you are having fun. You might be laying on your sofa sobbing into a pint of Haagen Daz and watching back to back Patrick Swayze but so long as your Facebook wall says you are out clubbing somewhere ridiculously exclusive with a bunch of male models then that is all he needs to know.

If you MUST tell them you want them back then do it sober. Have a look at the pint of milk in your fridge on the day you get dumped. Try and at least hold out till that expires. Drinking a bottle of Cab Sauv then declaring your undying love to them via iMessage at 3 in the morning might seem like a good idea at the time but you will regret it in the morning. If they do happen to reply to you then don't reply back saying 'Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air'. Because that's just confusing for everyone. 

Always be nice. Even if you think you got thrown under a bus. Even if all you want to do is pour a pint over their head - don't show it. Smile. Pretend you don't care. A smiling assasin is much deadlier that an over-emotional, hormonal and slightly threatening woman.

You can find all the previous Dawniepopsies 'How To' posts right here.

How to do online dating the Dawnie way

This actually happened.

Yep, I went there. It seems that everyone else is jumping on the bandwagon these days & being an online dating virgin, I decided to give it a go. The results so far have been less than positive. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I attract the loons. Maybe I don't put in enough effort. Or maybe my heart's just not in it.

But my luck in the online dating world so far?

Not good.

Here's a few tips out there to any potential suitors thinking about messaging me.....

If you are holding a bottle of buckfast in your profile picture, I'm not going to message you back. Same goes if you have a fringe.

If your opening line is "I would", then you probably won't.

If your tagline says "Plenty of pish more like" then you're obviously a bellend.

If you don't have a profile picture then don't expect a lot of luck, I would like to think of myself as not TOO shallow and I agree that looks fade, but the idea that I could actually be talking to a 90 year old woman just freaks me out. Sorry.

When I ignore you so much that I end up having to block you, don't Google stalk me until you find my email address and then send me freaky messages during the night (this also actually happened).

If we actually get so far as to make the progression from the dating website messenger onto Whatsapp, for goodness sake don't go off on one if I don't message you back quick enough. We haven't even met yet. (Dodged a bullet with that one).

If you are chatting, try and make your answers a bit more interesting than "yeah", "nah" and "LOL".

Don't make up your occupation. Jedi means you are unemployed and superhero means you probably work in a petrol station.

Don't message me if you are female when I have clearly stated that I am looking for a man. Except you Sam23985, you were quite hot so I have favourited you just in case my luck doesn't get any better.

If your username is Queuehereladies121 or Comeandgetityouknowyouwantit then I won't be replying.

If you are holding a gun in your profile picture. Enough said.

When you don't get a reply, don't write "Think you are too good for me do you?!?! What you aiming for, Brad Pitt? Bitch". Cause that's not gonna make me change my mind.

If you spell my name Don I will never meet  you. Ever.

And for the record? 

I was way out his league ;)

How to do a birthday the Dawnie way

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Get ridiculously drunk and text your ex-boyfriend. The ex-boyfriend that you never think about any more. The one that you would actually rather die than let think you still have feelings for. Text him at 1am something ridiculously clever and witty like 'oops'. Wake up the next morning and spend the day in a state of utter mortification looking up flights to Yemen.

Text your current boyfriend to tell him how much you adore him. Turn into a dyslexic Christina Aguilera as you let him know how beautiful he is. Spend the morning trying to work out what 'phone h DOO' means. (This one wasn't me but if I did have a boyfriend I would definitely text him stuff like that).

Agree to having your photo taken with random men in fancy dress even though deep down inside you know you are going to appear on their Facebook page tomorrow morning with the caption 'shagged her' written underneath.

Lose your friend for a few seconds on the dance floor only to find her re-appear dressed head to toe as a Krayola crayon. Lose the crayon only to find it snogging Super Mario.

Get engaged to your pal. Take her ring from her and announce it to everyone. Cry with happiness to the point that even  your best friends start to wonder if there is something going on between the two of you.

Accidentally jump in the taxi and leave your friend standing outside the club. Not 'accidentally'. Like actually GENUINELY FORGET you were even out with her. Apologise a lot when she calls you and make the taxi driver do a U-turn to go back and pick her up. Then when you get to your destination accidentally shut the door on her head as you are getting out.

When said taxi driver asks where you are going say "my house duuuuuh" while your other friend falls asleep on his shoulder.

When the taxi pulls up at your house, try and jump in the taxi that has just pulled up behind who is also dropping a fare off and make them take you back into town.

Insist that the friend who is waddling up to your flat because she tried to take her tights off in the taxi is fine because she "likes them like that" and she is "NOT going to fall".

Proceed to walk into a wall.

Then try and get into the wrong flat.

Did I mention I love my friends?

Who are probably not talking to me anymore....

Just gonna go switch my phone off.

How to do a break-up the Dawnie way......

Break-ups are hard. They are even more fun when you are having to continue living with your ex until you get yourself sorted. The point of this post is really just a quick tutorial in how to do break-ups my way. Because seriously, just like no one does a flat warming like Carlsberg does, no one does a break up quite like Dawnie does. So here are my helpful tips: 

 Drink too much wine. Constantly tell yourself that 'you are going through a hard time' or that your 'living situation is unbearable' and that you deserve it. Let your usual nightly glass turn into a half a bottle. And your usual healthy dinner turn into half a bag of kettle chips. Wake up every morning swearing that you won't drink that night and then run to the shop at 6.45pm with a desperate look in your eyes that says if I don't get wine now I will never be able to nip out and get it once the baby is in bed.

Continue to carry around the first world guilt that makes you abide by government advice to have two alcohol free nights a week. Still have those nights. But only because you are so hungover from the girls night out you went on the night before that you physically couldn't face another drink even if you wanted one. 

 Enjoy this new found freedom. Relish in the fact that for a large chunk of your time you will be baby free while the kid spends time with their dad. Go on said night out with the girls and get so drunk that you can hardly walk, talk or construct a sentence. Except to slur the occasional reassurance that you are 'fine' and that you are actually 'totally on top of this break-up'. Repeat this over and over again until someone shoves a glass of water in your hand and tells you to shut the fuck up. 

 On the subject of being 'fine', push this point at every single available opportunity. Particularly when being quizzed by supportive friends and family members or when your Mum asks you for the millionth time if you are really ok. Just repeat 'I'm fine' over and over again. Even when you are asked what you fancy for dinner. Just say 'I'm fine'. Keep doing so until it becomes a running joke with everyone who knows you that you are in fact 'fine'.  

Disregard the one thing you love most in the world which is putting on your favourite album and cooking up something amazingly healthy and delicious while having a little solo no one can see me dance around the kitchen. This is something that makes you happy. This is one of your most favourite things in the world to do. But you don't deserve happiness. You're solely responsible for breaking up a family. Eat a jar of peanut butter and hate yourself instead. 

Spend at least three hours a week staring at a blank computer screen. Desperately try to sum up some words in a vain attempt to not lose the blog followers you have. Promise to do sponsored blogposts that are offering cash you could seriously do with in order to leave said horrible living situation. Realise two weeks later that you have forgotten the email, lost the link and that actually you can't be fucking bothered anyway. 

Deal with your parental guilt through excessive spoiling that is neither sustainable nor healthy for your child. Spend 5 hours a day in soft play, give them sausages & biscuits for breakfast, lunch and dinner and allow them to drink fruit shoots to their hearts content. After all you must ensure they know how much you love them if there is ever a custody battle to ensue. Right? 

But seriously?

Get a fringe, book yourself a night away, go for lots of bubble baths, cry when no one is watching, feign happiness when everyone is, be positive, remember you are exactly where you are supposed to be, get excited for what might be just round the corner, say fuck a lot, smile when things get a little tough, flirt with boys, cuddle that kid to within an inch of her life and if all else fails? 

 Pour a glass of wine and open a bag of kettle chips.

 Oh and p.s..... 

 I'm totally fine by the way ;)