Cheap thrills???

The other day I found myself in a slightly nerve-wracking situation. I found myself in the company of someone I wasn't expecting to see. In retrospect this was silly, it actually made a lot of sense that the person would be there. I just hadn't expected them to be and it took me by surprise. After walking in and clocking their presence I found myself jittery. My palms started to tingle and I felt nervous & awkward. My desperate attempts to make sure that no one else noticed this only amplified my nerves. Luckily I'm a good actress and was able to pass myself as cool and relaxed, even though inside I was a bit of a jittery mess.

When I told my friend about this later that day his response shook me a little. Hardly containing his surprise, he commented that he would never have predicted such reactions in Dawn “the man eater and heat seeking missile of a woman”. His comments knocked me for six a little. Although I do make an effort to put that impression across.....it's not really me......it's purely for self-preservation...

And the reason its not really me? Ok. I'm just gonna say this quick, because I'm sure some of you won't like it but.....

One night stands make me feel cheap.

There. I said it. I know, I know. Its 2010. Gone are the days when a man was a stud for sleeping around yet a woman was a slapper. In these modern days, to say such a thing is almost an admission of inequality. I know that women are supposed to be liberated now. To embrace sex in the same manner that men have been doing since the dawn of time. But I just can't help it. One night stands make me feel bad.



But thats not to say I judge others. I really don't. I have one fabulous friend who is completely sexually liberated and totally open about it. She enjoys sex. She enjoys one night stands. And she's careful. Never once have I thought about her as being a slut, or anywhere near in that context. She's safe. Sensible. She doesn't fuck about with her males mates. She's fabulous. And I admire her.

But on the other hand I have another friend who (every now and then) gets herself into a bit of a drunken state and ends up going home for a bit of hows you mother with a guy she's just met that night. Although we have a giggle about her exploits the next day, there's something in her voice. Something there that tells me that behind the laughter she's a little bit upset with herself. A little bit disappointed in herself. I pick this up only because I am someone who loves her dearly.

The point is, each to their own. And for me. Well....I just feel like a bit of a bloody tart....

I've genuinely only had a few one night stands. Lets just say we can keep it on one hand. And they have mainly been with someone I have already known in some capacity. A friend (that was awkward). A colleague (also awkward). But you get my gist. I'm not one for going home with random strangers I just met in a club. Mainly because I don't fancy being front page news the next day. Believe me. Knowing my luck I would end up going home with Norman Bates with an I-Phone. But it's the horrible deflated feeling I get the next day that's my point.

I'll reference a certain one night stand in particular. The person in question I have to see every so often in a kind of social setting. This one night stand was never going to lead to anything else. We both knew that. In fact the ground rules were pretty much set before the deed had even been done. See, I'm feeling ashamed and cheap already, just talking about this.....

Anyway, the problem is, that every time this guy looks at me now, I feel dirty (and not in the good way). I worry about what he thinks of me. Does he think I'm a cheap dirty tart who would sleep with anyone? I'm not, by the way, for any guys out there who were just about to IM me. But what we did makes me worry that he thinks I'm easy. That I'm 'up for anything'. One of THOSE girls. Thing is, I don't want to marry him, nor him me. I'm not even sure I even want to marry at all. But I still want him to see me as the marrying kind. Does that make sense?

Which leads me onto dirty girls. I have enough male friends to recognise these 'dirty girls'. You know the ones, the girls 'who just look dirty' ala Megan Fox. Stacey Slater and Carla Conner are perfect examples. And I know all you blokes don't have to watch your soaps to know exactly who I am on about. See I wouldn't say I am particularly dirty looking. But I'm not exactly the sweet, girl next door type either. But whether I want to be with a bloke or not, if I have slept with him then I don't want him to look at me and think 'She's a right goer in the bedroom'. No. I want him to look at me and think 'She's a right goer in the bedroom. But bet she'd make an excellent Mum and still look smoking in 20 years time'. You know what I'm talking about girls........

So anyway. After all this mulling. All this analysing about sex, coming across as cheap, protecting my reputation, I have come to one conclusion that is definite and crystal clear:

I definitely think too much.