Wednesday, 25 August 2010

Sometimes I just miss, missing you.....

You can see the title of my latest post is the name of the new Saturdays song. Before I go on I just want to reiterate a point I have stressed many, many times before....

This blog is not highbrow.

Back to the Saturdays song. I'm unsure who has heard the song (I like it, but don't hold it against me), but the lyrics got me to thinking.....

When is nostalgia just that? Nostalgia? And when is nostalgia something more?

Everyone likes to reminisce and remember the good times. Get that warm fuzzy glow remembering entire days spent in bed with a loved one, drinking wine and watching movies. Or the way you were with an old boyfriend. When you could turn something as menial as standing in the queue at the Post Office into an immature, gigglefest. But when are you just missing the memories and when are you actually missing the person? This little conundrum has been annoying me for months.

For example, one ex of mine I had a blast with. We spent many happy days and intoxicated nights together for about a year in total (it was on and off to say the least, I was digging the drama at this point in my life). Whilst I look back on my time with him fondly, I don't really miss him as such. Well, apart from when I have had 3 bottles of wine, but thats not really the same is it? I don't get a pang of regret when I hear a familiar song on the radio. Or wonder 'what if' when something on TV reminds me of him. I miss the fun we had you see. I miss the way I felt about him at the time. But I don't feel that way for him anymore. I just miss MISSING him so to speak.

A different, shorter-lived affair, I miss in a different way. I do sometimes wonder 'what if'. I do get a pang of regret now and again that it didn't work out. I do occasionally allow myself to imagine what it might have been like had we not been such fundamentally different people. But I don't wallow in it. He's not on my mind 24/7. I'm not consumed by grief and heartache that it didn't work out.

But the feelings I have when I DO allow my mind to wander onto this person? Is it nostalgia or do I still feel something for them? And how the hell do you tell the difference?

What I am sure about is the truth in the saying 'There's a fine line between love and hate'. Because I believe that there is just as much passion with love as there is with hate. When I look back on the big ex, the big long-term one, all I feel is indifference. I don't feel angry anymore. When I was mad, hurt and confused, the idea of smashing his head in appealed to me. Like I said I was mad, hurt and confused....give me a break. But that passionate desire to hurt him only existed because my real feelings were much clearer. I still loved him. And out of this ongoing love bore a desire to hurt him so much that he would probably never be able to reproduce.

Now? Nothing. Nada. I'm not mad at him anymore. I'm not still in love with him anymore. In the wise words of Girls Aloud, it really doesn't phase me how he spends his time. Oh God this is unacceptable.....I'm really an Indie girl, I swear.

So I guess what I am doing is kind of answering my own question. The difference between nostalgia and ongoing feelings? Passion. I think. If I feel emotional then maybe there is a little more to it than just reminiscing. If I feel a little pang of guilt or sadness at what could have been, then maybe deep down there are some feelings still there.

One thing is for sure. I bet Socrates didn't get his philosophical inspiration from the Top Ten.

1 comment:

BFBS said...

Hello! I have been led to your blog as I 'follow' Gemmies on Twitter, who I was 'introduced' to via my 'following' of hotpatooties (the wonders of the internet/social networking, eh??) and I'm jolly glad I was as I am muchly enjoying it! I like a good blog, me.
I have also been recently pondering the nostalgia question in a similar context, i.e whether I am nostalgic for nostalgia's sake, so to speak. And I think you definitely hit the nail on the head with your reasoning for it. Makes much sense. Looking forward to future entries! It's nice to read that others ponder the same things !