Wednesday, 18 July 2012

The guilty think all talk is of themselves

Having mentioned on Twitter this morning that I hadn't blogged in a while, a conversation that followed led to me commenting that I always feel a bit guilty when I don't blog. This then led me to thinking about the fact that I always feel guilty for something. Which sort of inspired a  blog post.......

My boyfriend has commented on more than one occasion that he cannot understand how I am not Catholic. And the reason? I constantly feel guilty. And I don't know why. And if I don't have anything in particular to feel guilty about then I make sure I find something. The result is that, although I am generally quite a happy soul, I do constantly carry around this guilty burden on my shoulders that can,  quite frankly, get rather heavy.

I'll give you a few examples of some things I feel guilty about:

Food. Although I have a decent figure and a very respectable BMI, I still feel unbelievably guilty whenever I eat too much 'bad' food. I know this is a common problem amongst us girls and that having this guilty switch is a good way of making sure I don't take it too far and get fat. But I sometimes I wish I could relax a little about food. Not count every single calorie and not be so militant about making up for each bad day by starving myself the next. It should be noted that I also feel incredibly guilty about having a drink every night. Even though it's usually just the one glass of wine I still can't help feeling ridiculously guilty about it. Which is ridiculous. And annoying.

Having a baby makes you feel guilty. At least it does once your maternity pay stops. I am currently struggling with the age old dilemma of being a working vs stay at home mum. If I stay at home (which I often think is what I want to do) then I feel guilty for not bringing any money into the household therefore putting more pressure on my boyfriend as we have to rely solely on his wages. However, I feel just as guilty at the thought of putting Ava in childcare at such a young age. I don't want a stranger changing her nappy. Or giving her lunch. Those are my jobs and I want to embrace them fully and spend every single second with her before she doesn't want to spend every single second with me.

In terms of being a Mum you can also add letting Ava watch cartoons, spending entire days in our pyjamas and letting her feed herself toast instead of spoon feeding her Weetabix or Allbran and giving her mini chocolate croissants as other things I do then feel incredibly guilty about.

I constantly feel guilty if my boyfriend has to work loads plus help out with the baby. I've never been one of those Mums who insists their partner does half of all baby chores as well as work at the same time. I've always insisted on being the one to get up with her during the night because he is usually working the next day. If he has had a hard few days then I don't mind bathing her even though he hasn't taken a turn in ages. And if he has a day off (which is few and far between right now) I am more than happy to let him spend it in bed catching up on his sleep. However often he wants to help more. He wants to try and settle her when she wakes at 10pm because it's the only cuddle he has had from her that day. And often he wants to be the one who has to get up with her at 3am because he knows it's what we need to start doing if I am ever going to get a break. But I tend not to let him. Because all I can think about is how hard he works to put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads and that he deserves a break when he gets home at night.

I feel desperately guilty because I have lost someone very significant in my life and I will never get them back. I feel guilty for walking away. When I had no choice. When what they did was too bad to stay. But I carry that guilt with me every day and I sometimes feel like its so heavy it's almost suffocating me.

I am already feeling guilty that I am not committing myself to my new business venture enough and that it is going to fail because of that. My boyfriend working so much means that I cannot get the time away from Ava to focus on it properly. But even so, there are times when I could do the odd thing here or there and instead I spend the half hour tickling Ava. Which is much more fun.

Guilt's hard. It's a hard emotion to deal with. Especially when you deal with it on such a daily basis. I don't know why I give myself such a hard time. But I am determined to stop.

I just need to work out how.


daisychain said...

Oh goodness me, I could have written this post.


Unknown said...

This is something I struggle with too. Even as a child I would go downstairs when I was meant to be in bed and 'confess' the smallest, tiniest little things to my parents who would tell me it was ok and send me back upstairs again. Sometimes, I even get that guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach when I have nothing to feel guilty for.

The human brain is a strange thing.

Don't ever feel guilty for being a good mum and girlfriend though, you're never failing anyone, you're amazing just the way you are xx

P said...

Guilt is a silly thing to have unless you have done something wrong. I am Catholic and i think Catholic guilt is a crock - I don't experience it often. Just live how you want to live - you're awesome, just remember that!xxx

Dawn Young said...

Haaa, it's nice to know I'm not alone! xx

Dawn Young said...

Thank you Lils

I bet you never even stole sweeties with that guilt complex! xx

Dawn Young said...

:D xxx

Smidge said...

I don't have guilt, I carry around a lot of stress with me but not a lot of guilt. I'm chockful of stress right now.

P.s I thought letting a child feed herself was the 'right' way?!

Dawn Young said...

Yeah alot of people are into baby led weaning. I'm a sort of mix of both. But I would still rather she had healthy cereal in the morning and I am not letting her feed it to herself as it would be carnage haha.