The Thing About Chaos: Why skinny is a state of mind.

It occurred to me the other day that I am probably the most confident and least insecure I have ever been about my body and the way I look. This thought came to me almost as an afterthought as I was laying in bed last night. Probably because, for the past 10 months, my thoughts have consisted of only nappies, night feeds and baby toys. I find this quite surprising. Although I always figured I would have children at some point, I wasn't looking forward to the toll that it would take on my body. So what has brought around this surprising and new confidence? I'm honestly not sure. Although I think it could be one of three things:

I've been really lucky. I haven't been left with any noticeable stretch marks (probably due to a serious Bio-Oil addiction during pregnancy). I look pretty much the same as I did before I got pregnant and actually weigh less now than I did before I had Ava.
Having a baby has completely changed my perspective. Having Ava has finally made me realise what's really important in life and that worrying about my love handles or whether or not I should have that extra slice of cake just doesn't seem important any more.
Or maybe I have finally grown up? Maybe even if I hadn't had a baby I am just getting to an age (28) where I am leaving my insecure party days behind and coming into my own and finally learning to love myself.

So which is it?

I have no idea.

I'm neither super-skinny nor fat. I'm a size 10-12 and my boyfriend considers my rather curvy bum as one of my best assets. I have a slight love handles that weren't there before and I am positive that since having the baby my hips have actually widened a little. However, I am back in all the clothes I used to wear before I had the kid and I am happy with that. I hate my tummy and wish it was flatter. But if I behave myself and lay off the wheat and the sugar for a few days then it usually is. It's just 9 times out of 10 I choose the muffin (literally). I am sure there are some people thinking 'get over yourself' or 'you're not fat you're just vain'. And I guess that they might be right.

But before the haters give me a hard time, this blog post is about self-confidence. Not about size.

I look back on myself in my late teens/early twenties and feel angry at myself. I was a perfect size 8. I was as toned as any celebrity you see on the beach, with a perfect whittled waist and reasonably long legs for my 5,3" height. And yet I wasted that whole time thinking I was huge. I was shy and lacked confidence to the point that I hated being naked in front of my boyfriend. Obviously I had to be and was. But there was still a slight air of insecurity that hung about me and was obvious to both him and myself.

Now I'm the most confident I have ever been. I don't mind being naked in front of my bloke and walk around sans clothes in front of him all the time. So is it my bloke that has changed my philosophy? I've never been with someone who outwardly put me down or told me I was fat. However no one has ever made me feel as confident as the person I am with now. He constantly tells me how sexy he thinks I am and how much he likes my body. And it really does make a difference. Rather than get a big head it gives me the courage and confidence to believe in myself and show it off.

I think my confidence these days comes down to a mixture of growing up, changing my priorities and having the best boyfriend in the world. Don't get me wrong I can still be vain. I still put on make-up even if it's just to nip to Tesco. I still get into trouble for checking myself out too often in windows/mirrors and I still spend too much money on fad beauty products that are probably a waste of time.

But you know what?

I have a little bit of cellulite and I can't be arsed cutting out coffee or buying a body brush.

I have a slight muffin top and I can't be arsed saying no to a fry-up.

I have a slight love handles on my waist and I can't be arsed going to the gym and doing sit-ups.

And why would I want to?