Monday, 9 September 2013

Leave All Your Love & Your Longing Behind

2013 has been a funny old year for me. Enlightening in some ways. Frustrating in others and downright sad in many.

My writing recently has been strange, this blog has went in a different direction. I've not blogged much but when I have it has been a bit too deep. Too melancholy for my liking. But then I think that is why I haven't blogged much. But I'm changing. Things are different. I'm different.

The past few weeks have been filled with uncertainty and confusion. Grappling with decisions, a bad break-up, finding somewhere to live, trying to ensure Ava was the happiest she could be. Then there was moving in, getting the place sorted, worrying about money, worrying about Ava. Never stopping to take a breath. 

Then Cyprus. Two weeks. I have given myself two weeks. Two weeks to feel sad. Two weeks to self-indulge. To reminisce.  To beat myself up a bit more and maybe to wish for things that I can't have. To drink too much wine and to keep eating rubbish.

I'm not going to be sobbing into a wine glass for the next two weeks. Far, far from it. I'm going to smile and think about everything and how it has taught me something in some way. I'm going to miss things. Wish things. Want things and even allow a little bit of sorrow over sad things. But I'm going to do it with a lighter heart. With an open mind and a smile. I'm going to miss, wish, cry and want and then I'm going to smile & then I'm going to get over it.

I'm still going to want to send that text. Sometimes I will want to reach out to people when I shouldn't. When it isn't fair. But I'm so sick of pushing life and trying to bend it to give me what I want. Because life doesn't work like that. It isn't malleable and you can't make it what it isn't. If you realise this and start to work with it instead of trying to make it fit around your desires than I genuinely believe that you will be  a happier person. That's my theory anyway and so far it's working for me a lot.

On the plane over here we started our descent about twenty minutes before we were due to land. A couple of times the plane suddenly dropped down before quickly picking back up again. You know that feeling? Your heart goes into your stomach and then you experience that rising funny feeling in your tummy as it picks back up? That feeling of almost weightlessness. Like when you miss a step and for a split second you think you are going to take a tumble. That feeling. I realised that that is exactly how I have been feeling for a little while now.

When we get back from Cyprus we start a new chapter. We need to get a routine. Build our life. See what the next six months brings. What this new chapter says? It will tell me all that I need to know, I know this for sure. I'm not looking for answers because the universe gives me them anyway. Sometimes when I want them and sometimes when I don't.

 I'm meditating. I don't go around advertising it. Or telling a lot of people as I am aware that they will think I'm a total crackpot but I like it. And it works for me. I spent weeks trying to get my head around it. Trying to find 'mindfullness' while actually thinking about whether to gloss the skirtings in the bedroom and what I was going to have for dinner that night. And then one day it just sort of happened. I switched my phone off, sat down in the corner of my darkened bedroom and closed my eyes. And when I opened them again 30 minutes had passed. And I had thought of nothing, absolutely nothing in that time. I felt calmer and more at peace all day. This new calmness I feel inside, this sort of optimism & positivity, it's liberating. I feel a bit giddy. Like I have a secret.

 The more I try to find happiness again though, the more I realise that it never left. 

Not really. 

So let's get back to talking about food. And wine. And kettle chips.

K? ;)

5 comments:

Lillies and Love said...

xxx

Kaya La Roche said...

Go to yoga Dawn (if you haven't already, if you have don't even bother reading this!). I go to a really good place & that's important, because I've been kinda where you are (I think) & I never feel that far away from being back there, with my relationship the way it has been! At the end of every session (yoga not booze!) we meditate, think of a 'happy' place. Walk in an enchanted forest etc. It's sooo good for your mind! I youtube 'relax music' and get some really good Yoga mixes to listen to. Have a lovely time, both of you. You have found your inner hippy haha embrace it ;) xxx

daisychain said...

Sending lots of love in your direction xx

P said...

Hugs. Hope your holiday helps!x

Dawniepopsies said...

I totally have turned into a bit of a hippy. I love it! I'm starting yoga in Glasgow next month! X