Tuesday, 22 April 2014

Cheese, blogger's block & insomnia




Every so often, out of complete nowhere, I will get hit with a bout of insomnia. It only happens a couple of times a year and usually only lasts a few days. But for those few days I completely crack up. I lie in bed staring at the walls, I get up at 4am for my umpteenth hot chocolate and I spend the next day with huge bags under my eyes and a coffee cup permanently in my hand. It's rubbish and kind of horrible but it happens a lot less since I had Ava (running around after that child would make Edward Norton in Fight Club sleep like a baby).

As I have started writing a bit more the same thing sometimes happens. Sometimes I just can't write. I sit down and I open the laptop. I stare at it. I write some stuff. I keep writing even though I know it's rubbish. I read it. I delete it. I get frustrated. And so on and so forth... Luckily it's not a huge deal. I'm not a self-employed freelancer who's entire rent/mortgage/wine addiction depends on getting said writing done. I need to blog regularly for maximum exposure and to keep my traffic up but it's not really the end of the world if I let it slide for a bit. I do have a couple of other bits and pieces that I promised I would do before my holiday and those are stressing me out a little but apart from that it really is no big deal. 

Except for two things....

The first is that if I'm not at work and I don't have Ava, then I feel like the biggest layabout in the world if I don't get stuff done. Although I am the first person to advise other mummy's to take advantage of having some alone time and chill the hell out if they need to, I can't help but find myself feeling incredibly guilty if I don't do something productive with my day. As much fun as watching Made In Chelsea with a jar of peanut butter is, I just cannot escape the little voice in my head that says I should be working/cleaning/writing/food shopping. And as I have delayed going back to work full time in order to really concentrate on the writing for the next few months, a day spent procrastinating when I should be writing is a day wasted. And just something else for this mummy to feel guilty about.

The other problem is that there is just SO MUCH I want to write about right now. I want to talk about social media and it's online security. I've been becoming more and more aware of how much of my life I put online through my Twitter and Instagram accounts and how half the time I do it by accident and the fact it's starting to worry me a little. I want to talk about how the recent and tragic death of Peaches Geldof has scared the hell out of me and has left me running through all the things I want to tell Ava, the things I need her to know and understand before I'm gone. I want to write about my yearning desire to book a night or two away on my own. To just be with myself instead of always surrounding myself with people and cocktails like some kind of security blanket. 

That's not even half of the stuff I want to talk about.

But then I sit down and I open the laptop and.......

....nothing.

So instead I have been Googling some of my favourite writers. Typing their names along with the phrase 'writers block' into search engines to see if they have ever written about it. To see if some of the people I look up to have any wise words of wisdom on the subject. Some tips to get my creative juices flowing. Turns out they don't have the answers either.

So I'm gonna do laundry. Watch Made In Chelsea and ignore my 'bikini body detox' by having a cheeseboard and leftover Easter chocolate for lunch.

Maybe go to Tesco, pin my perfect life on Pinterest and start packing for Cyprus.

And hope that when I get up tomorrow and open the laptop the words will start flowing again.

3 comments:

char said...

I don't think of my blog as a commitment, just a hobby. For me, I think that helps me to take the pressure off a little. I'm not fussed at all about traffic or views, and sometimes I don't feel like writing, so I don't. I do totally and absolutely understand what you mean about not getting things done and the guilt factor associated with it when you have time off. I just can't sit there all day and "relax". I need to be doing something and I think I seem to thrive on deadlines and the chaos, so I often take on more than I probably should.
I hope you manage to find a way to get the words down, soon. :)

Vanessa Billie-Jill-Jean said...

Thank you so much for the follow.
Follow you back on bloglovin.
Btw,I'm also on Instagram,maybe you like my account?
Lovely greets from germany ;-)

Dawniepopsies said...

You're totally right. If it's hobby then you shouldn't feel any pressure! Like I said - do it for the love ;) xx