Monday, 16 June 2014

How to get dumped the Dawnie way...

I need to tell you a secret.
 I've been holding out on you guys for about 3 months now.
So here it is...

 A while ago Dawniepopsies got dumped. We really should forget all about the dumping thing for a second and concentrate on the fact that I just referred to myself as 'Dawniepopsies' but we can get back to that later.

So the details aren't important. The people, who, what, why - not the point. But in the spirit of all my previous 'How To' posts, I bring you:

How to get dumped the Dawnie way.

Do not under any circumstances go into 'dumped mode'. The circumstances don't matter. If you were the one that was 'dumped' then the automatic reflex reaction is to go into dumped mode. Do not (I repeat) go into dumped mode. I recall my sister staring at me over a cocktail two nights later watching as my face went a bit forlorn and my bottom lip started to quiver and shrieking loudly (as the whole bar turned to see what was going on) "DON'T DO THAT - DO NOT DO THAT - YOU ARE GOING INTO DUMPED MODE - GET OUT OF DUMPED MODE". And although I could have done without the whole bar knowing, she was right. Control is a powerful thing and it can make you act all kinds of pathetic when it is taken away from you. 

Don't lavish twenty quid on yourself to get a manicure. To hell with blowing £50 on some new highlights. Spend £100 on a psychic who spends most of the hour talking about herself.

In my case go out on the lash with your girlfriend and get chatted up by THE HOTTEST MAN WHO HAS EVER CHATTED YOU UP IN A BAR (no jokes). Spend the entire time asking his opinion on said dumping only for him and his mate to suddenly disappear for the night after saying they were 'going to the toilet'. Don't even bother to apologise when your mate looks at you with a mixture of pity & pure annoyance. 

Proceed to the nearest gay bar and dance the night away safe in the knowledge that no one else will try and chat you up. Burst into drunken tears in the taxi on the way home. Then fall asleep on your friend.

Unfollow them on all social media immediately. Only to refollow them on Twitter. Then unfollow them. Then block them. Then maybe give them a refollow...
Stay classy girls.

In all seriousness, if you really liked the guy, then try and focus on the positives that you got from the relationship. Whether it was a short or long term one. It's true that it wasn't a waste of time if you learned something. I found myself with a lot more confidence to put myself out there on that scary dating world as a single mum. I also gained the confidence to understand that if you let things go and think positively that even better things can be around the corner.

Now this is a big one: whatever you do always pretend you are having fun. You might be laying on your sofa sobbing into a pint of Haagen Daz and watching back to back Patrick Swayze but so long as your Facebook wall says you are out clubbing somewhere ridiculously exclusive with a bunch of male models then that is all he needs to know.

If you MUST tell them you want them back then do it sober. Have a look at the pint of milk in your fridge on the day you get dumped. Try and at least hold out till that expires. Drinking a bottle of Cab Sauv then declaring your undying love to them via iMessage at 3 in the morning might seem like a good idea at the time but you will regret it in the morning. If they do happen to reply to you then don't reply back saying 'Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air'. Because that's just confusing for everyone. 

Always be nice. Even if you think you got thrown under a bus. Even if all you want to do is pour a pint over their head - don't show it. Smile. Pretend you don't care. A smiling assasin is much deadlier that an over-emotional, hormonal and slightly threatening woman.

You can find all the previous Dawniepopsies 'How To' posts right here.

1 comment:

Kirsty said...

Yes! Love it!! In my case, quit your job, bleach your hair, buy a flat, start doing yoga. All separate instances of dumped-dom. Getting back together a thousand times isn't always the answer, I have loads of respect for people who, admittedly after some time, can truly walk away with their head held high.

As Robert Frost (appaz) once said, "the only way around is through."

Also, get on YT. I need more channels to subscribe to! xxxxx