Friday, 7 November 2014

How to be a blogger






Only mention the good bits. And always stick a filter on it. Bang on about how beautiful your bedroom/daughter/cat/Michael Kors watch/bowl of porridge is by taking unrealistic and ultra flattering photos that show no reflection to every day real life.

Brag about all the presents your boyfriend bought you for your birthday or all the free stuff you get cause you are a blogger. Obviously put a disclaimer in it about you 'hate bragging blog posts' but how you are just 'sooooo grateful and blessed' and how you couldn't resist sharing (boasting) about it.

Make sure your Instagram is a constant stream of photos of burgers and girly looking cocktails. If you don't eat burgers and drink cocktails regularly then it's against the law to be a blogger. True story.

Make sure you always tell everyone what you are wearing that day by taking photos of your outfit and sharing them on social media. As soon as your pictures have went online, get back into your skanky leggings with the hole in the crotch and your fake ugg boots and get back to cleaning the toilet.

Take approximately 3652 photos of yourself trying out at least 12 different filters before you narrow it down to that final 'just caught me off the hoof and have a spare thirty seconds so thought I would take this completely natural selfie'. Then you get that shit on Instagram.

Hate Facebook. We all loathe Facebook for some reason. But massively endorse Twitter because it's where we get most of our readers.

Bang on about Breton stripes and Pinterest until your friends don't want to hang about with you anymore.

Love Autumn. No - I mean LOVE Autumn. Screw summer, to hell with Spring. Harp on at every available opportunity about the colour/crunch of the leaves, how much you love scented candles at this time of year and how you go absolutely nuts for the dark nights.

Promote Starbucks and Lush at every available opportunity. Despite the fact that neither are paying you. Or paying enough corporation tax.

Ruin perfectly nice photos by writing all over them in hot pink italics.

Litter your home with at least 20 scented candles. At least one of these must be by Yankee. And get those bad boys lit as soon as September hits because remember how much you absolutely looooove Autumn.

Spend half an hour closing every single curtain and blind in the house at noon on a Tuesday in order to make it look like night time so you can get that perfect 'I'm just in a relaxing bubble bath' shot. Make sure it's a Lush bubble bath. Obviously.

Forbid your boyfriend from eating ANYTHING until you have photographed it. Likewise if you see him eating snacks out of a packet then rectify immediate using the nearest ramekin. We are not animals.

Spend most of a lunch date with your pal rudely checking your stats every ten minutes because you didn't get a chance to post your latest blog post until you were on the train on the way to meet her.

And remember - if your straws aren't retro pink and white striped and your snack bowls aren't heart shaped then remove yourself from the bloggersphere immediately. You are not fit to be a blogger.

8 comments:

P said...

love this!!x

Gwen - TheFoodieHistorian said...

Brilliant.

littleeandbean said...

Bloody brilliant ;) I wrote a post recently about Instagram that touched on some of this!

www.littleeandbean.com

Hook, Line and Sink Her said...

Amazing! Louisa from Duck in a Dress linked me to this and I couldn't agree more. I reckon I'm about 45% blogging cliche and 55% erm... whatever the alternative is. xxx

Michelle Outside London said...

^^ My split is around 55% cliche and 45% the other (which largely involves bitching about striped straws and hating the tax dodgers with the fire of a thousand suns).
Love this post long time.
M x

duck in a dress said...

Ha, yes! Especially about the tax dodgers - I have a kind of half-idea for a post all about why I don't buy things from those already-over-hyped-tax-dodging-scoundrels. Bit worried about it sounding too much like a rant though which possibly makes me a bit of a blogging cliché because I've thought about what people will think. Ahh, oops. :-) xx

Dawn Young said...

Thanks for all the great comments guys :) x

glasgowfoodgeek said...

This is Genius! I am proud to confirm that I do at least 70% of these acts…woohoo I am officially a blogger! Love it lady.xxx