Friday, 5 December 2014

You know you're a mother when....

  • It becomes standard practise to turn up at work with a Doc McStuffin sticker where your name badge should be.
  • You reach into your bag in Tesco to pull out your purse and pull out a week old stale piece of toast instead.
  • You can never find any tampons because they have all been unwrapped and are littered along the hallway.
  • You can't put a wash on without having to shout 'Do you want to push the button?'.
  • Or use the cash machine.
  • Or go in a lift.
  • You start to seriously consider leaving the house at 8.30am in your pyjamas.
  • Nothing you buy in the supermarket is fit for human consumption by the time you get to the checkout. 
  • Bribery and corruption become a normal part of every day life and you don't think twice about using currency.
  • You find yourself receiving letters from debt collection agencies and you don't understand why. Until your realise that someone is getting to your mail before you do.
  • You are no longer able to sleep with your bedroom door closed.
  • Or flush the toilet after 7pm.
  • Even throwing out something as simple as a dried out felt tip pen becomes a secret and precise military operation. And if they go to put something in the bin and find the offending thrown out article? You are in deep shit my friend.
  • You start to smuggle things in and out of the house like some kind of Mexican drug lord.
  • You can't even so much as pee without a tiny little hand creeping under the doorway or fiddling with the lock like something out of The Shining.
  • On that thread, 30 seconds spent alone in a bathroom doing a pee feels like a fortnight in the Bahamas
  • You add a delivery note to your take away order on Just Eat saying 'Please knock quietly, or on second thoughts just text me when you're outside'.
  • You let someone who doesn't even know how to tie their own shoelaces choose your underwear every morning simply in the interests of a quiet life.
  • You remake the bed about 212842 times per day.
  • You tell lies. Constantly. E.g. 'this toothpaste will actually turn you into a real live unicorn' and 'your glow in the dark onesie and drum kit are both at your Dad's house. Remember?'.
  • Your entire DVD collection suddenly only consists of only Disney and Peppa Pig.
  • Anything even remotely bad for you now presides in a cupboard so high that even you have to get a chair to get into it.

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