Today I Kicked Right Back

Last night I went to bed ridiculously early. Something I always do when I'm feeling sorry for myself. After stuffing my face with some very un-paleo curry, chocolate and crisps. Something else I tend to do when I'm feeling sorry for myself. As I was curled up under the duvet reading blogs I came across this post by Miss Smidge. And it totally spoke to me. Because I was already starting to feel the self-loathing and bloating that follows one of my indulgent woe-is-me type pig outs. Eating your emotions is where it's at people.

 But I totally got what Kate was saying. Sometimes even just the practise of telling ourselves we will be better tomorrow can make all of the difference. Even if you don't actually do it.

I've lost count of the amount of detoxes I am 'starting tomorrow'. Or the amount of Mondays I have sworn blind I wouldn't touch wine until the weekend. The amount of times I have convinced myself that this run would be the start of a new fitness obsession. Or that this bar of Galaxy would be my last before I swore off sugar for good. Of course it never actually happens. But it feels good filling my head with these empty promises at the time. So as I lay in bed last night trying to get to sleep I decided that I wasn't going to make promises to myself that I wouldn't keep. Instead I was just going to promise myself one thing - that tomorrow (today) I was going to spend the day doing all the things that made me feel good. Inside and out.

Even if it didn't last.

It never lasts.

We rose at 7.30 sharp and I didn't hit snooze or hand Ava the iPad and roll over. I bribed her into her clothes with pancakes for breakfast while I sipped on a hot water and lemon. One of the only health 'promises' I have actually managed to stick to over the past few years. After dropping A at nursery I dragged myself out for a run. I didn't go that far. But far enough to return soaked by the rain and with fingers as numb as ice. But it felt good. I made a coffee and read the paper. Then I threw myself in the shower and stuck on some red lippy. Because according to Elizabeth Taylor red lippy solves everything. All while listening to Taylor Swift. Of course.

I went to a meeting regarding doing the kind of writing I find fun. The kind I enjoy the most. Then I took myself dress shopping. Ok it was work dress shopping but it still counts. I treated myself to new shoes and underwear for absolutely no-one else's benefit but my own and the softest grey cotton tee that I can't wait to wear with my baggiest jeans and my messiest hair around the house. Then I took myself to Waitrose and did my food shopping leisurely while sipping a coffee. I came home and paid some bills. I even did a little bit of work (with the emphasis being on little).

I picked Ava up and we came home and she ate dinner and told me about her day and it was lovely. I realised that I actually don't listen to Ava enough. I just nod and hmm and smile in the right places. I guess I had it in my head that her telling me what she had for lunch and who her new best friend was that day would be kind of boring. When actually it's kind of interesting. And I intend on listening a lot more intently from now on. We had a picnic on her bedroom floor and then we did bath, book and bed. And that's when I made a watermelon Martini. Totally tragic on ones own but it is Friday. Then my Martini & I went for a long bath. Where I read up on tons of Paleo websites. Because it's nice to pretend that I won't be back on the burgers and pints by Sunday. I watched Ava sleep for a good ten minutes (standard & reminds me how lucky I am) then I cooked something tasty & healthy for dinner and watched Eastenders before heading to bed to write this blog post.

I didn't do one thing on my to-do list today. I didn't put up that ever growing pile of Ava's drawings. I didn't call 3 to find out when my iPhone upgrade is due (I suspect it was last month). I didn't browse the internet for better deals on my broadband. Nor did I back up all the work that's saved onto the laptop. 

I would be lying if I said that my run this morning meant I will be back in the gym 4-5 times a week from now on. I would be lying if I said my healthy dinner meant I would never so much as look at a Big Mac meal again. And I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel like life was kicking me in the balls a little right now.

But today I kicked right back.

And it felt good.