I recall once seeing someone who would regularly joke about how 'contrary' I was. It used to interest me that he called me that. It wasn't an adjective I had really heard used to describe me before. I often feel like I'm split between two people & often find myself trying to figure out which one I am. I wonder if it's ok to be contrary? Is it normal to be that way? I find myself with an inner conflict that won't go away. Like I'm two people inside, each wrestling with the other to define the person I actually am.
Am I the city slicker & girl about Glasgow who is never happier than when supping free fizz at some exclusive launch night or event? Or am I the castle hunter & endless explorer who craves the open road & the solitude of her next highland adventure?
Am I the health freak who pushes herself to add an extra mile to every run and who releases her tensions with endless stretches and difficult poses in yoga? Or am I the girl who drinks wine during the week, can polish off a 3 course set meal for one from the local Chinese and who sometimes eats so much chocolate she goes to bed feeling sick?
Am I the 'earth mother' who tweets about her endless love for her little girl, posts pictures of her angelically sleeping & who whisks the two us off every weekend on some 'special adventure'? Or am I the frazzled, stressed out mama who will openly blog about how hard parenting is, relies way too much on the iPad & who silently screams 'fuck' into the kitchen cupboard when her child asks her why she can't see her own eyes for the 29th time that day?
Am I the Zen, positive thinker who can't even block someone on social media for fear of the negative karma and who wakes up 20 minutes early every morning to meditate? Or am I the pissed off & bitter wounded soldier who says things she regrets & lashes out without thinking?
Am I the girl who reads poetry, listens to Radio Scotland on the way to work & tries to educate herself on the current political climate? Or am the girl who soaks in a bubble bath with the latest trashy mag, loves nothing more than a bit of salacious celebrity gossip and who secretly watches The Only Way is Essex when she's on her own?
Truthfully? I have no idea. But what I do know is this...
The city drives me nuts and I often long for the endless expanse of the great Scottish outdoors. But at this point in my life I need a Starbucks within driving distance and a bar that stays open past 11pm.
Wine, a weekly take-away & raiding Ava's sweetie jar after she's gone to bed are among my favourite hobbies. I will never be the girl who runs marathons or the yogi who only eats hummus, but I like to do these things because it balances the other stuff out.
Being a mum is the single best thing I ever did in my life and I can't wait to do it again. But I'm not that good at it. I stress easily, don't spend enough time playing with Ava & often find myself nodding & smiling robotically, with no idea what it is she's been telling me for the last 20 minutes. As I feel guilty about this I fill our free time with as many castles, museums and hotel adventures as I can in the vain hope that she will look back on these memories fondly. Not pissed off that I spent more time dragging her around the country than actually listening to her.
Positive thinking is important to me and I remain extremely spiritual. I believe strongly in theories like the law of attraction but I also believe strongly in the fact that mental illness exists. And that you can't simply 'positive think' it away. I believe that you can try & be the kindest person in the world but you won't always succeed. If you aren't happy with something you've done or some way that you acted then just let it go.You just have to strive to be a better person than you were yesterday.
I like reading books, I lose myself in poetry and I have a genuine thirst to learn more about where I live, both culturally & politically. If I want to be that person yet still peruse the celebrity section of the Daily Mail & tweet about what's happening in the latest episode of Made in Chelsea, then so be it. I'm not hurting anyone.
If all this makes me contrary then fair enough. But I think we all do this to ourselves. Because we're all constantly looking for another way to question ourselves or to doubt who we are. So I have an idea. Why don't you just be you? And I'll just be me.
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