I'd be lying if I said that I'd had much interest in men, relationships or dating in the 14 months that I have been single. Brief dalliances at best and of those there were only 3. But there's one thing every single one has said to me shortly before we mutually agreed to cut our losses and leave it right there and recently I've not been able to get it out of my head.
"I hope you eventually find this perfect man you are looking for".
Every single time it was loaded. The insinuation obvious. The passive aggressive under meaning delivered with intent. That he doesn't exist. And that I am wasting my time looking. This is coupled with the fact my friends regularly discuss my ridiculous fussiness and my impossible quest for perfection right in front of me and as if I'm not there. Or the fact that my dating life has become a bit of a recurring joke in my office. "You'd dump someone for wearing the wrong coloured shoes" or "you're gonna end up alone if you don't put yourself out there" being a couple of examples of the types of (meant with good intent) comments that have been thrown my way over the past few weeks.
The fact I seem to do this seems a bit crazy when you consider there are things I still want in my future that require semen, a steady relationship and the propensity to compromise in the way that you do to allow a relationship to work. If I want these things so badly then why am I not chomping at the bit to settle down? Why am I not settling for the first bloke I fancy and emailing him a copy of my 5 year plan post second date? My constant joke that I'm not getting any younger is starting to wear a little thin. The laughter and twinkle in my eye when I say it, I fear is starting to fade. What's stopping me from just going for it?
I genuinely have no idea. I don't even actively or consciously know I'm doing it myself until I find myself rhyming off 16 different reasons I came up with last night on why that first date will most definitely not be getting a second. I have ghosted more blokes I have started speaking to online than I have drank glasses of Sauvignon. And I have drank a lot of Sauvignon. It's actually harder to get me on a date with someone I like than it is to not. And it's only the really persistent ones who ever manage it. Only for me to write them off the following day because their prospects weren't good enough, they didn't hold the door open for me as we left the restaurant or they wore the wrong coloured shoes...
And so I keep doing it. I keep finding reasons to write blokes off, to stop answering their texts and to choose a home delivered Wagamama and my next box set over a night on the town with someone who could quite possibly end up being the perfect man.
However everyone keeps telling me that the perfect man doesn't exist.
So in the meantime I think I'm going to stop beating myself up. Stop worrying that I am single handedly boycotting my own attempts at a future happiness and just take each day as it comes. Try not to over-think it. Focus less on what I think I 'should' be doing at this stage of my life. Don't rush into anything unless I'm absolutely sure. Enjoy the boxsets and the home delivered noodles. Enjoy going gaga over other people's babies instead of irrationally worrying about my own biological clock.
Hang about my ivory tower just a tiny bit longer.
My apologies for the leave of absence. An issue with wifi, a nasty virus and a house move saw me completely out of the blogging game for a good few weeks. And I felt the need to return with only a typical Dawn style deep & meaningful as opposed to some empty soulless blog post about all the vacuous things I've been up to or all the food I have been eating. Truthfully I could have written anything, it just feels good to be blogging again. X
2 comments:
It's good to have you back, Dawn. And this is such an interesting post which I think must cross the mind of every woman in her thirties; that feeling of being where you 'should' be. For you, you're almost expected to lower your standards to ensure you wind up with a bloke, even if that means that you're 'settling'.
For me (married for 4 years), the inevitable baby question is on everyone's lists. The truth is, I'm simply not sure wherever I want one. I'm well aware of the ticking clock but whether I just hear this louder as I get older (I'm 33), I'm not sure. It's certainly not a deep maternal pull that makes me consider having children, more of whether I 'should', whether I'll regret it if I don't and the question of compromise as my husband is quite keen to have them.
Christ, adulting can be tricky at times, can't it?
Hey Rosie, Thanks for commenting. I agree that a lot of it comes down to feeling like we 'should' be doing things a certain way. And the trick is probably to not over-think it too much. My hippie beliefs that it's all mapped out anyway usually take over in the end anyway. And yes, sometimes adulting blows ;) x
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