WHAT I'VE LEARNED SO FAR

At the end of September I wrote this blog post about how I was packing in the dating for a bit, and in all honesty I haven't really been missing it. In fact I have been so busy filling my free time with my friends, that a bloke (or lack thereof) hasn't really been an issue. Until recently.

I have a good friend coming up from London next weekend and had arranged a babysitter so we could go out on the Saturday night. However she has had to cancel. Not the end of the world. A Saturday night off is still a Saturday night off. And so I texted a few of my friends to see who was free. I wasn't letting a weekend child free go to waste. Much to my disappointment though, everyone had plans. The majority of them with their boyfriends.

I weighed up my options. I could get myself back on Tinder? Take a gamble and arrange a date for Saturday night. Or I could order a pizza. Watch Strictly and get stuck into the mini bottles of Bothy Gin I received recently. 

Pizza won. 

Guys.

This is where we're at now.

But it did get me to thinking about my experiences of online dating and relationships so far. And worrying about why I only miss having a boyfriend when I'm hungover (Dominoes and sex) and on the occasional Sunday night (Blue Planet & cuddles). I worry. Am I becoming cynical? Or just simply too lazy to even bother 'putting myself out there'? Is it concerning how content I seem being single? I know I'm too picky. But is that a side-effect of subconsciously not wanting a boyfriend?

Am I over-thinking it all waaaaay too much?

Most definitely.

Either way here is a slightly cynical overview from an overly fussy 34 year old who just can't be bothered getting herself back on Tinder. 

You are welcome.

1. At the beginning (during the first few dates), always trust your gut. That bitch knows what's up. If he seems like a player then he probably is. And if he has to take the time to express to you that he is not a player then he definitely is.
2. I have a theory about good looking men on dating sites. I've not met one so far who wasn't at it. I think this is why: men who are physically attractive on these sites do well with very little work involved. There is no dressing up, styling their hair or dragging themselves out to a bar on a Saturday night. No chatting women up with funny or witty repertoire, no risking a knock back & no having to spend money on drinks. It's an entire new world of hot women available through a touch screen and when they do meet up with these women they already know they are interested. Men in a situation like this are like kids in a sweetie shop. The result? An entire new generation of players, a new digital age of guys primed to break hearts. Cynical? Maybe. True? Definitely.
3. Don't rush into anything. If he wants to spend every single night of the week with you after two dates and is telling you he loves you after three weeks then it won't end well. I went through a period where I dated a few of these 'fast love' kinda guys and I'm single now for a reason. If they are fast they are usually fucked up.
4. Understand your self worth. Don't be tricked into feeling stupid or like a psycho if you don't like the way you are being treated. If you have a pop constantly about stuff but still stick around to be walked all over then they have every right to call you crazy. If you call people on their behaviour and then walk away (and mean it) then you are not being high maintenance. You are being true to yourself.
5. Guys who are playing games usually genuinely don't know they are playing games. Half the time they are able to convince themselves that they are doing nothing wrong. Subconsciously though, on a deeper level they probably do know somewhere deep inside that they are fucking you about. But the less you say and the more you distance yourself from it, the more likely they are to realise it.
6. On that note, keep your mouth shut if it's early days. I recently went on a couple of dates with a bloke who would sometimes go 12 hours between replying to messages, despite the fact he was on & off WhatsApp all day. When I nicely explained that I wanted to leave it and my reasons why, his annoyed response was to tell me that he was probably 'a bit too independent' for me. The desire to reply that he wasn't independent, he was fucking rude, was strong. But what would have been the point when I hardly knew the guy? So just delete the number and move the hell on. Sometimes silence is golden.
7. Beware of the bio. If he describes himself as 'independent' then he is probably shagging about. If he says he 'isn't materialistic' then the likelihood is he's skint and if he calls himself 'bohemian' then he's sleeping on his sister's sofa.
8. Recognise signs. I saw signs that someone was a bit dark & controlling during the first three weeks of dating. Despite this I went on to be in a relationship with the guy for nearly two years. I sorely wish I had acted upon these red flags and wasn't eventually left so broken by the experience.
9. Don't apologise for knowing what you want. If you know you are looking for someone on a similar financial level to you, or that you don't want to date a younger man, then it's ok to stick to your guns. Every time I have pursued something with someone who went against my usual type, it has ended in tears. It's ok to know what you want.
10. Finally, avoid ghosting. I get into trouble from my pals a lot for continuing contact with people I am not interested in for fear of hurting their feelings. I always friend zone them but I just can't bring myself to just start ignoring a person. So try and be as kind as you can. Even if they are doing your absolute nut in.