Tuesday, 16 October 2018


I used to be one of those people who always took time out for herself when something with someone I cared about ended. I needed an adequate amount of time to move forward and overthink the situation before I powered on through to the next date. I would watch friends cut their losses, accept the demise of their latest fairytale and just plunder onto the next bloke. But they seemed determined not to allow themselves enough time to deconstruct what went wrong with the last one. And I got it. It's just that that kind of formula never really worked for me.

It genuinely meant a lot to me that I was able to sit back and reflect when things in my life ended. And secretly I was a little judgemental. I've always considered myself a classy sort of gal and while I am more than aware that getting over someone by getting under someone else all too often works - it's just never been for me. 

But the other day I did something really unlike me. I recently messed up something that might have had the potential to be really good. Because I got scared and convinced myself that I was going to get hurt. I don't want to labour on it because it's not what this blogpost is about. It's about what I did next.

I did what my sister, pals and closest allies have been telling me is the secret formula for years. I got straight back on the horse. I got back in touch with the guy who worked offshore who was home for 5 weeks and was desperate to meet me. Even though I had basically been ignoring his texts for ages. I went back on the dating app and reconnected with the couple of decent ones who had kindly taken the time out of their day to virtually smile at me. I started chatting to another guy who I had never managed to get round to meeting but whose utter determination to still make me go for a drink with him even though I kept going quiet was still rather inspiring.

It wasn't like me. And not my usual style. But I realised that I just didn't want to play the victim in the situation. After a significantly stressful break up from a very controlling relationship a couple of years ago followed by getting royally fucked over by a man with seriously questionable morals in the summer of last year, I simply couldn't face the prospect of allowing myself to wallow.

Because here's what I'm learning. Life keeps moving forward. Whether you want it to or not. People keep evolving, you keep evolving. All the new people you are about to meet in the world will never be finished masterpieces. And you probably won't either. 

But you have to keep moving. 

And you have to keep learning. 

How did these dates go? There haven't been any yet. I cancelled the drinks because I just felt it was a bit fast. I needed a few more days to get my head around what had happened. But you know what I realised? I probably should have just gone on the drinks date. Because even if all I was really down for was getting drunk and talking about what a fuck up I was, even if I had ordered us shots and confessed the whole sorry story of my previous liaison to him - what was really the worst that could happen? My expertly honed flirting technique and cheeky sense of humour would have probably gotten me through it. And what if I had liked him and he had listened and he had ended up wanting to see me again anyway? 

Then at least I would have known that what we had was real. 

And that's essentially what I am looking for. 

Something real.

Even if that sometimes means mess. I want happy emotions. But I want raw ones too. I want the rush of endorphins that comes with falling in love. I want to drink whisky with someone till 3 in the morning while tentatively asking questions about their past. I want to get nervous about cooking for someone for the first time and I want to spend half an hour picking a bottle of wine because I'm still dying to impress them. I want the kind of sex that leaves you feeling like you are living on a different planet for the next three days. 

I want to be scared of getting hurt. And to be able to deal with that emotion normally. And then I want the peace. The contentment and the trust. And the feeling of falling in love without fear. 

I don't want drama & I don't want arguments. I don't want accusations or passionate fights. I've only ever had one of those kinds of relationships and it's not an experience I ever want to repeat. I want respect & I want kindness. I want compliments and drunken dinners. I want to know I'm not going to get cheated on and I want someone who doesn't secretly check my phone when I'm not looking. I want someone to call me on the way home from work to talk about what we're eating that night and I want someone who knows my weaknesses but loves me anyway. 

Most importantly - I want someone who isn't afraid to fall. 

I am difficult, impetuous and reactive. I am far too deep and far too honest. I drink too much, think too much and swear too much. I'm a head in the clouds fatalist, a massive romantic and a complete & utter over-thinker. 

And I guess I am absolutely terrified of getting hurt. 

But I know that I deserve to give myself a chance. And that I deserve to give someone else that chance too. I scare easy at the beginning and it has always taken a little bit of time and work with me to get to the good stuff. 

But there has always been good stuff. 

Lots and lots of it. 

And there will most definitely be good stuff again.

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