Thursday, 30 May 2013

Why Gwyneth is making me look bad.

Now and again I will get a lovely comment from someone telling me that they like the parenting and baby posts I do. Sometimes it's an email, sometimes its a twitter comment from a stressed out Mummy and sometimes it's just the real life friends I have who also follow the blog. This pleases me given my penchant for being so brutally honest. I have never bought into this schmaltzy 'Cath Kidston and cuddles' idea of being a Mummy. Because it's bloody hard work. And I often write posts about how hard the different aspects of parenting can be.

However there is one person making this a bit bloody difficult. Stand up Gwyneth Paltrow. With your children's organic, vegetarian, frankly fucking boring diets and your delightful 'tips' on bringing up the perfect child you are really getting on my tits.So in the spirit of not being bitter (I'm very bitter), I bring you  a few of the reasons why I am a terrible mother. 

You're welcome.

For a start I let A watch way too much kids TV. She was weaned on baby TV like you might put a kid on crack and now that she's a bit older there is usually cBeebies on in the background. That's not to say she watches it. If she did stay glued to it like some mute baby zombie for more than 10 minutes at a time I would probably panic like hell and chuck the thing straight out. But she tends to just potter about, playing and doing her own thing while the dulcit tones of Mr Tumble mutter away in the background. She does however give it her full 100% attention when she is sitting in her high chair eating her breakfast, lunch or dinner. I know. This is bad. Gwyneth would have a heart attack. But Ava gets a TV dinner. 

There, I said it.

I spend way too much time on my iPhone. Between Twitter, Bloglovin and Instagram I am pretty much always on my phone. A fact that my boyfriend has pretty much resigned himself to but it's not always fair on Ava. In fact on one or two occasions she has actually come up to me, taken the thing right out of my hand and then threw it away. And I can't even give her a row because she is quite bloody right. It's not that I spend the whole day ignoring her. But Balamory is just so fucking boring. So as she leans in for a snuggle I tactically place the iPhone behind a cushion and sneakily catch up on whatever social media site I can. She always catches me though.

If Ava is being particularly whiny then you can often find me standing outside her nursery at 8 am waiting on it opening. Almost always unshowered and with a desperate look of panic in my eyes. I love that girl to pieces but my goodness do I value the two days a week I get off to just catch up on life. It should also be noted that on these days I have usually forgotten to brush her teeth, haven't filled out the 'what we do at home' form and still haven't remembered to bring in that family photo they asked me for 6 months ago.

Following this theme, if Ava is having a particularly rubbish evening i.e. won't let go of my leg and keeps making that soul destroying whining noise she is getting far too good at, then I will quite happily shift her bedtime forward by a half hour and pour a glass of wine at 6pm. Most Mum's will understand this implicitly.  Gwyneth - judge me at will.

Speaking of wine, on particularly stressful days you will too often find bath time accompanied by a glass of Shiraz. 

Ava does not follow a strict vegan, macrobiotic diet. And yes Gwyneth, she eats carbs. Ava regularly eats sausages or fish fingers for her tea. Usually on the days I know that has been given something much more resembling a home cooked meal at nursery. It's not that I don't cook - I love to cook. But the child who ate mussels and black pudding and would steal a piece of asparagus right out of your hand now refuses to eat anything that isn't beige. This is driving me nuts but sometimes it's just nicer to know that they have eaten something rather than nothing at all. She also eats too much crap. She gets all the good stuff - smoothies, yoghurts, veggies hidden in sauces and dried fruit. But you know what? If she wants a biscuit or a fudge for her dessert and it means she will be happy and cuddly and not whiny and irritating then I'm taking the biscuit every time.

She also eats too many crisps. I prefer to refer to them as 'snacks'. In the house I usually buy those healthy ones like Sunbites or the little mini Ryvita things. These probably aren't any healthier than Quavers. Which is pretty much all Ava exists on when we go on holiday. That and chips. God my kid loves a potato based salty snack. 

We don't dress appropriately. Well I definitely don't if the looks from the Laura Ashley brigade at Ava's ridiculously expensive nursery are anything to go by. But what I actually mean is that you will often find my poor little penguin clinging onto me in the pouring rain without a jacket on. Soaking wet as I try desperately to fashion my pashmina into some sort of blanket/rain cover thing. Her eyes looking up at me with a sadness that says 'Why couldn't Gwyneth be my Mum?' Same goes for sunny days. I never remember to bring the suncream out and always have to run about finding an open pharmacy or a generous mother to give me a dollop of the factor 50.

Oh and if putting Peppa on at 6 in the morning and letting Ava drink 5 cups of apple juice followed by half a box of breakfast biscuits gets me a long lie.....

 Then I'm damn well doing it.

But thanks for the advice anyway Gwyn.


Anonymous said...

Screw Gwynnie, I hope her kids grow up to be little bastards that rebel against their extremely limited childhood. Just keep doing what works for you x

P said...

Amen to this. Gwyneth isn't the most amazing parent ever. I mean, come ON, she named her children Apple and Moses!!! And I think Ava would HATE her as a mum.x

Fiona said...

Haha I loved this post, I think you're speaking for a lot of mothers here! :)

Fiona @

Dawn Young said...

Ha. I love your comment!

Dawn Young said...

I bet Gwyneth doesn't teach her daughter all the words to Tiffany either. X

Dawn Young said...

Glad you liked :)

Rachel said...

Fantastic post! x