Friday, 12 July 2013

And so it is.

At the moment I am grappling with some pretty tough life decisions. Trying to decide what to do with my life and how to move forward. Trying to decide what to do with Ava's life and how to move that forward. Playing God with a one year old's life it not something I ever really thought about when I had her. But I guess that's something you sign up for when you have a baby. Doesn't make it any less difficult.

I'm in the middle of a painful separation. There's a lot of hurt flying around. Confusion and upset. And in the middle of it all I am trying to keep smiling. To keep going to the park. To keep crayoning. To keep taking her to soft play. Trying not to cry in soft play. Trying to keep my head together in Tesco. Trying not to lose it at all.

Keep smiling.

Keep going.

Be normal.

Don't let Ava see you cry.

I'm actually ok. In fact I am proud of how well I am doing. Of how I am keeping it all together. Because when you have a one year old you don't get to fall apart.

And so it is that I find myself single. And a little bit scared if I am honest.

And so it is that I find myself a single mother. A big bit scared if I am really honest.

And so it is that my life is so topsy turvy right now that one more conversation about the future or about living arrangements might just send me over the edge.

I don't know what my future holds. What is going to happen. I'm not sure whether Ava will now officially come from a 'broken home' or not. 

I am just getting through each day. One at a time.

What follows from here I am unsure. Maybe a few posts about my grapples with a rough break up. About how I am coping. About what is keeping me sane and what is sending me nuts. Maybe even an anecdotal post on single motherhood when I'm ready.

Or maybe just radio silence.

Either way don't unfollow me just yet. 

I'll be back with a vengeance soon. 

That's a promise.

8 comments:

Lillies and Love said...

I'm not going to leave a long comment for you here cos I've said it all via text and Skype but you know you're a wonderful mother and regardless of whether her parents are together, she will still have life filled with love, care and encouragement. As for you, well, you know I'm here for you, no matter the time of day xxx

Rachel said...

I'm so sorry you're going through a tough time, I thought you'd been quiet recently. I have complete faith that you'll do what's right for both of you, you've just got to be strong through the difficult times, hold that faith in yourself and you'll be absolutely fine. xx

Debbie Young said...

It's never easy sis but I'm so proud of you, you are doing amazingly well. You are a strong woman who has lots of family and friends to keep you on track. You will have tears, laughter, smiles, bad days and good days! We will all be there for you and Me I will be there through all of that and I will consume lots of wine And Gin with You....you are a bloody good mum and don't forget it xxx

Wiggy's Wardrobe said...

Not sure what to say! I hope things settle down & whatever the outcome, you are all happy. I'm really shit with things like this but if you ever need a chat I'm here. Kaya xx

Missliquorice said...

The kids who get the best starts in life aren't the ones who have two parents. There the ones who grow up in a happy, supportive environment - whether that's with one parent or two. What better start in life can you have than showing Ava that it's ok to be brave a follow what is right, and bring her up in a happy household, not one where her mum and dad are unhappy, or even resent her for feeling they have to stick together.

It's not going to be easy, and unfortunately nobody has the answers, but in doing the best thing for you, you're doing the best thing for her too. And one day she will be so proud of the wonderful example you have set for her. Take care. Bethany (missliquorice) xx

Scooby867 said...

I hate being a grown up sometimes as crap like this happens. Much more fun being a 10 year old where everything was easy and fun and friendly and uncomplicated. However we are now adults and have our own ickle ones who need us to teach them two things really what's right and what's wrong and what I can "read" about you via twitter is you have that sorted. You may not know but we lost out first child the day she was born and my life was decimated. It was actually twitter folk who bought me back when the times got too tough as I was able to vent and shout and cry and make inappropriate comments without being judged. I actually made great friends through social media and some came to our twins christening, having travelled 100's of miles. So I won't try to tell you it won't be hard, cause it will. But there are folk out there that will help and as I got lots of support I can be one of them. Take care and shout if you need an ear - literally x

Belle du Brighton said...

I agree with Missliquorice, the number of parents doesnt matter! Whatever happens you are a going to give her the best you can, and she will be happy and love you. Also she won't remember this time period in her life in even a few years time, so take each day as it comes and let her help you get through this tough patch with lots of cuddles! It won't last forever, and sooner than you realise you'll have had a happy day and then more will follow in quick pursuit!
xx

Dory said...

You've done the right thing honey. Ava will be better having two happy parents apart rather than one unhalpy set. With regards to the pain. It does get easier. I've been through two painful breakups this year and it really does get a bit easier. You'll end up stronger than ever and you should be proud of yourself x