You may or may not have heard me mention my need for control on this blog. And if you haven't then you've blatantly just joined us. But having to control things is something that I struggle with a lot. And something that I have only really started to try and deal with in the past couple of months.
Disclaimer: When I talk about my 'control issues', I am in no way, shape or form of a controlling nature towards another person. I don't tell other people where to go, how to act or how to conduct their life. I don't have time for that and as a girlfriend, I consider myself to be fairly relaxed, although I probably have my moments just like any other girl...
My issues are all of the narcissistic variety. If I make plans then I have to know exactly what is happening in intricate detail. You can't be texting me two hours before our lunch date because you are still trying to work out where we are going. For a start we need to book a table because what if they are really busy? And I need to know the exact time we are meeting because what if I want a glass of wine and oh my god what if the trains are off. See? Anal.
I can't stand anyone else doing my dishes or hanging up my laundry because they simply just don't do it right and I would much prefer to take on the housework myself. Huffing and puffing and playing the martyr with full regalia but actually knowing full well I wouldn't let anyone else do it anyway because they just wouldn't do it right. Everything in my flat has a specific place and I actually had to get rid of one cleaner because she kept tidying everything up wrong. I have a very particular way of doing things. Much like Liam Neeson has a very particular set of skills. If you do it wrong then I will find you & I will kill you. I jest. Kinda.
So as I mentioned I have been working on trying to make myself a little better. Of trying to deal with the fact that I sort of fall to pierces a little when I feel like I am losing control of situations. Trying to stop being so bloody anally retentive. To relax a little. Unfortunately I was never one for self-analysis. A recent exercise where I had to draw symbols relating to each of my flaws and then place them strategically over different parts of the room left me cold and wanting to flee from the environment immediately. Simply because I wasn't in control. I always have to know what is coming next. But life is not like that. Is it?
There are a variety of situations in life that you simply can't control. Whether it's relationships ending, friendships dissolving or circumstances changing. And as someone with strong beliefs in the old adage that 'everything happens for a reason' and as a big believer in fate and letting the universe decide what is best for you, it's surprising really that I struggle with issues of control so much. Recently I've been starting to let go. I've been accepting that not everything is under my control. And there's an inner peace that comes with that. I fought hard for a relationship because I desperately wanted to believe it could be different. Instead of looking back at that now with regret or worry, I am proud of the steps I took to make sure my voice was heard and my stance was clear. I can move forward to the next chapter of my life with a calm contentment that I did all I could. That genuinely feels really, really good. The old control freak in me would never have been able to say that.
And this is just the first step. I went out for lunch with a friend the other day and we didn't even decide where we were going until I was on my way into town. I've been leaving the dishes for a couple of days instead of doing them immediately after I finish my dinner (it's killing me) and I even let someone else help me hang up the washing up the other day.
More importantly I have let go of the things in life that I just can't control. And I have been embracing the life of a messy, unorganised, sometimes even late, Tinder dating single mother with full aplomb. And not knowing what is around the corner is actually turning out to be a pretty great feeling.
So stay tuned...
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